There was a period of time around 2007 I could no longer feel God, as though the fire which ignited in (middle?) 2005 is no more. I am sure many had been through this before however, though I heard these testimonies before, I must say I never expected the feeling to find me then. After all, my hunger for the Word of God was still there and I cannot say that I slacked off in my prayers, or church/CF activities. Oh, and I had my stack of Christian music to keep me hyper XD.
But it happened, and for a very long time it felt as if God had withdrawn His presence away from me. Like as though He was satisfied with my progress and decided to leave me be while He concentrates on other important matters. Of course, that could not be, and will never be so. For God is an active God, and promises, “I will never leave you nor forsake you (Gen. 28:15; Deuteronomy 31:6, 8; Joshua 1:5; Hebrews 13:5)” and “I am with you always until the end of this world” (Matthew 28:20). But at that time this did not cross my mind, and (because of the circumstance) probably would not make much impression anyway if it did.
One day I was heading home with my former youth minister Adrian. When we neared my home I mentioned this to him, about the emptiness I was feeling during the past days. We talked for a while, and he mentioned 3 reasons why I may have been feeling the way I was.
The first was what he called the “after-marriage” effect. When I went to my first camp back in 2005 I remembered being significantly emotional during the inner healing session, letting go of the negative thoughts and feelings inside me (that was when I started to take my faith more seriously). In 2006 (the year of my Confirmation) I went for my second Life in the Spirit Seminar (LSS) camp (the first was in ’05), where I received God’s gift of the Spirit, the gift of tongues.
During those times (especially when I received the gift of tongues) I was very elated and enthusiastic about my faith, and that was when my zeal for the Bible started. As time went on however, this feeling of elation slowly faded away after I left secondary school.
This dipped to one of its lowest peak after returning from World Youth Day Sydney 2008 (a Catholic event specifically for youths celebrated once every few years; it was initiated by the Pope). It personalizes what
The second is reason is Satan’s doing. Yes, I know, very original and I am sure we are all quite tired of hearing this. Nevertheless, this is a significant point as Satan is the first and source of all evil. Do I need to expand on this point of him spreading despair, tempting, deceiving, torturing, etc. people?
The last possibility mentioned was God’s work Himself. I do NOT mean Him applying the techniques that the devil uses. Rather He is molding me into someone whose faith is not merely ample but refined. A faith that is not hollow and spongy that breaks when trials come, but firm and sturdy throughout the course of time. Just as Jesus during His 40 day fast in the wilderness (Luke 4:1-2), His agony in the garden (Luke 22:42) and finally, His Passion on the Cross (John 19:17-28) brought Him in complete and perfect union to the Father. For all the trials that come by, the Lord says, “For I have plans for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11)."
In the end, I must learn to realise and embrace the fact that faith is not merely an emotion, a feeling one could use to get high on all the time. Faith is not some “spiritual beer” that is simply consumed at leisure, if you get what I mean. Mother Teresa experienced similar struggles for many years until the end of her life while serving the poor in
“Where is my faith? Even deep down ... there is nothing but emptiness and darkness ... If there be God—please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul ... How painful is this unknown pain—I have no Faith. Repulsed, empty, no faith, no love, no zeal, ... What do I labour for? If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true.”
“Jesus has a very special love for you. (But) as for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great, that I look and do not see,—Listen and do not hear—the tongue moves (in prayer) but does not speak ... I want you to pray for me—that I let Him have (a) free hand.”
-Mother Teresa
Faith is not just a feeling. It is also about endurance.
RFG always.
