O How Wretched My Bring

So I passed my first major hurdle in my Masters. Should be happy but…

Why hast Thou covered me with grace

When I repaid with a spit in Your face?

Why hast Thou given me Thy blessing

When I pissed it once achieving?

Why, when guilt overran me

Thou chose to forgive freely?

Why, when I cursed my giving into sin

Thou wept and proclaimed me clean?

For this I cursed myself and being

Why didst Thou rebuke my self-deriding?

For this I wallowed in bitterness and grieving

Why remove them bringing again grace and blessing?

Progressive Decay

A few months back there was an incident which made it to the headlines. A Malaysian student was arrested in the UK due to a misdeed he committed while studying abroad. The youth was found to possess a massive amount of material related to child pornography, and was subsequently jailed for a period of 5 years.

Many of his country mates back home lauded the outcome, and were none too happy when the Malaysian government considered appealing and giving the youth a second chance once his jail term ended. A great number had in fact voiced their outrage both in and off the internet.

Most of us I am sure would feel the same way. Pornography especially involving a minor is a serious crime. Yet 2000 years ago, even in some parts of the world today, child marriage is still being practiced. But the “modernized” first world countries of this age condemn the act as improper and irrational.

Today we see in those developed nations issues such as LGBT equality and rights to same sex marriage. The US recently legalized this as did Ireland earlier on. In the UK as well this is acknowledged and accepted, along with prostitution in certain parts of the country as long as he/she is of age. This, they claim, is done in the spirit of equality, freedom and non-discrimination.

If that is the case, why discriminate against pedophiles and those with a Lolita complex? Why punish someone who is caught having pictures/videos of children getting it on? Or, better still, why imprison a person possessing pornographic comics/cartoons/ animations of seemingly underaged children, when clearly no child was harmed in the process, such as the Christopher Handley case? The reason that its content will influencing the person’s behaviour is as reliable as the rationale that people playing GTA and COD will end up being killers and terrorists.

Let’s take a bit further. If I were to create fictional animated works that depict gruesome deaths of toddlers and pre-teens and publicly distribute them, what is that to the authorities? If I were to create a game that centers on gruesomely torturing minors, why should I be stopped? Am I not entitled to my freedom of expression?

Please bear in mind: I am not in ANY WAY encouraging such acts.  Rather, through this I would like to point out the state of the world today, and its decaying ethics and moral values which in this age is happening at an alarming rate, especially in the so-called developed nations. “Logically” speaking, those actions are not wrong in any way: no one is harmed in the process, and most of us I assume are able to differentiate between reality and fantasy.

Yet is that all there is to it? If we look deep into our consciousness, we know that such themes of torture and violence are anything but correct. This is simply proven by the fact that, although it is literally and humanly possible, we would not carry out such acts towards our fellow human beings.

Ask ourselves, what does the laws of nature and our conscience tell us? Going back to the first issue on the arrested Malaysian youth in the UK, would you commit such acts to a child? Are you willing to bear the responsibility for the child’s wellbeing due to your actions? Are you able to bear the responsibility, especially should an unexpected/critical event occurs? If you are the child’s parent, how would you feel? Thinking for the child, what will happen to his future? Do you think it is alright for kids to enter into a sexual relationship with each other, or if is an adult-kid pairing, taking into consideration all that was mentioned above together with your conscience?

The rule can be applied for the other issues mentioned. Can two people of the same sex with a sexual relationship complete each other, as a plug and a port? The answer is no, as a complete relationship is open to the possibility of bearing a child, the product of a joyful union between husband and wife. Nature has its way of answering us.

People may criticize me in this matter, calling me narrow-minded, discriminatory, etc. Yet I have met individuals who practice same sex relationship and premarital sex; and while I do not condone their behavior, I respect them as an individual and treat them no different than I treat others. Heck, one of the closest person in my university life is a guy who practice the latter and has no qualms with the former. However because I do not condone that particular behavior of his, I had voiced out against it. Yet this did not ruin our relationship; if anything, it was more like a discourse between friendly individuals. Even the closest friends have contrasting opinions. In fact, he still shares his activities, issues and problems in his life with me. From this I could say that our relationship continues to deepen until today. There is a difference between hating a person and hating an act. As they say, “hate the sin, but love the sinner”.

And talking about narrow-mindedness, should I call those who frown on polygamy, pedophiles, incest, beastially, and those I have previously mentioned in paragraphs 4 and 5 the same as well? Shall I cry narrow-mindedness to people who condemn a father/mother having consensual sex with his pre-teen sons and daughters? Why discriminate if he obtained the consent of his/her spouse and children?

Since the Old Testament to the New, God had continuously warned us against all forms of immorality (Genesis 18:20; Leviticus 18; Mark 7:21-23; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10). Even for those who are not affected and are firm in our convictions, it is our responsibility to ensure the next generation will uphold the dignity and sanctity that God ordered for the whole human race since the beginning of mankind. I sincerely hope world I live in would be spared and restored from the degradation of the very foundation of the natural order and morals. All ye saints and angels in heaven, pray for us.

RFG always.

Lent Fasting List

Tada! May I present the list of fasting activities I made for myself for Lent. Though it is a bit past Easter, I feel I should publicly post it here for my own motivation (though I doubt many, or even any, would see it). Perhaps a soul may just so happen to pass this by and will be able to get some inspiration of what to fast for the next Lent as well. A prior note: to avoid a 0.01% chance of misconception, this is a fasting list, with less/no emphasis on the prayer and fasting aspects.

Activity name (fasting frequency/detail):

Dota (weekdays x1, 0; weekends x2, weekends x1)

Valkyria Chronicles (1 game weekdays, weekends only, 1 game weekends only)

All other games (no more than 1 game/1 hour, weekends 1 game/1hour)

*****e (nil)

Any manga site other than *******x

*******x (3/day, 2/day, 1/day, nil)

Manga (UQ, Tate, random manga, World Customise, all)

Youtube (random entertainment videos, music)

Random sites

Anime (2 hours)

Random Googling (images, videos, sites)

Steam (Saturday and Sunday, Sunday)

Food (self-cook)

Changing computer regions

Swearing (substitude with less offensive words or not curse at all)

Random gossip/snide remarks on people when I am with acquaintances

Sleeping (by 12.30am, 12am, 11.30pm, 11pm, 10.30pm, 10pm)

Nap (12-1pm, nil)

Prayer before doing anything (games, research)

Daily rosary (4/week – all mysteries, everyday)

End of day reflection

Study (songs/walk, praise songs/walk)

Masturbation

* – sites censored for what I judge to contain questionable items

Pink – failed to accomplish (whether fully or partially)

Green – accomplished

Note:

Activities were accomplished and added gradually and not all in one day

Activities that were accomplished were completely fasted minimum from Holy Monday until Good Friday.

At least one activity must be added per week from the start of Lent. Fasting for said activity(s) will be maintained until Good Friday.

At least one activity to be carried forth I my life: end of day reflection

RFG always. 

The Prick of Prayer

As part of my daily life, I make it a habit to regularly pray throughout the day. As Christians, everything we do ought to be offered up in to the Lord: be it before meals, studies or gaming sessions. In fact, our whole lives are meant to be lifted up in prayer – however, for this post, ‘prayer’ will be taken as the direct action of addressing, talking or invocating something from God.

Although prayer is essential for spiritual growth, often I struggle to do so in certain aspects of my life, particularly before study and games/entertainment activities. Looking at the surface, one may find it quite astonishing how difficult it is for me just to set aside a moment to ask God to bless and watch over me during these two major activities which make up a large portion of my life. While I would not label it so far as to call it loathing, it certainly feels like a drag whenever I am reminded (by the Spirit) to pray.

Do I know the reason for my reluctance at this? Actually, I do – and quite clearly if I may add. But knowing and overcoming it are two different things, no? Put it simply, I enjoy my comfort. And since humans are creatures of comfort, we avoid activities/putting in energy that makes is uncomfortable (as mentioned previously in my post on 23 December 2014. Man, I got to limit referencing this post).

When I pray, I know that God would give me the strength to carry out my prayer – and that is what I am reluctant for. Ironic eh? It is somewhat akin to the feeling one gets when signing a contract. You are bound to it, and you know you will have to accomplish it, like it or not.  The responsibility of keeping to what I vowed to do may not exactly be pleasant though, and can be actually quite a pain.

To put it expressly, prayer of this sort opens my eyes to the cross. The responsibility to give my all in that endeavour and dedicate it to God. The effort I have to put in to overcome that obstacle. And of course, the prospect of going on the journey carrying such a burden is not what I would call pleasant.

So maybe people reading this may have some idea why prayer before studies/work is quite trying for me, but games? In fact, to pray is harder for me before play. The reason is similar. Gaming/recreation is a time of the day in which I look most forward to. While one cannot (probably) question the enthusiasm I have in front of the keyboard, I have the tendency to be enticed by other less noble/questionable activities from too much net and games. But perhaps more prominently, is the responsibility of keeping gaming in moderation and not succumb to the “one more game” syndrome.

While a common and easy thing for Christians to say is to “pray for the strength to overcome the challenges”, I would like to share a method which I find quite effective for me personally, as a reminder for myself, and mayhap a suggestion to anyone who somehow happens to pass by this post.

As Christians may be aware, this is currently the season of Lent (although it is the final week, termed Holy Week). For Catholics, this season marks a time of fasting, almsgiving and charity. Thus, it is a perfect opportunity for us to build ourselves up spiritually by living in simplicity and attuning ourselves to be more receptive towards God.

A few weeks into the Lenten season, instead of having some semi-opaque aim of what to do, I decided to draw up a list of items to fast. Perhaps due to my engineering background, I found having the set of specific and concrete objectives made it more achievable and motivating. From there I gradually worked through the list, beginning from several items and increasing the count at least once per week.

Some may find various issues with this method, asserting that this reduces the spiritual dimension of fasting into a worldly/rational one and such. But for me, the physical and spiritual are interrelated, since both are brought into existence by God. The idea is that since I have been through this before, it will be easier to keep up this practice of prayer and moderation. As they say, the best way to learn/grow is to experience the real thing yourself. And besides, Lent is called a fasting season for a reason. Just as God rested on the seventh day (Genesis 2:2), one does not fast 365 days per year, 24 hours per day.

At the end of the day though, all this depends on one’s sincerity. There is little point if I pray devoid of any thoughts to improve myself. If there is one thing I want to bring back from this endeavour, it is a greater earnestness of depending and surrendering this life to Him who knows and plans what is best for me.

RFG always.

Musings: Sacrifice

Awhile back when I was reading a topic from Life of Christ by the late Fulton Sheen, I came across a passage which made quite an impression on me. In that particular subtopic, the author focused on the purpose of Christ’s coming – that is, to suffer, die and rise again.

Any Christian would agree that is the essence of Jesus' mission. Religious artists occasionally base their pieces on one or more of its elements. One of Hillsong’s older works For All You’ve Done included all the three elements: You lived, You died, You rose again on high.

No one likes to talk about suffering. I mentioned before in a post that humans are creatures of comfort. As the Fulton Sheen put it, we welcome the glorified, but shun the suffering Christ. Additionally, people tend to avoid the subject of sacrifice, since real sincere sacrifice entails suffering on its part.

Still, there is no dispute that we all have to have sacrifice in our lives. One would have to give up something in order to gain another. An employee sacrifices his/her time for money. Students grind their notes and exercises wee hours into the night in hopes of getting good results. Rather, the question is the matter of which we would sacrifice.

Which brings me to the point of my rumination. Christ made it clear that “If any man would come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me” (Matthew 16:24). At this point in time however, I am aware of the sacrifice and cross bearing I am going through for His sake – which is to say, practically nil. Could be the mark of how blessed I am. Or that my daily prayers “lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil” are answered. However, it does not remove this uneasiness I feel.

None of the saints I have come across have not felt the pinch of sacrifice and suffering. Moses, David, Elijah, Peter, John, Paul, Therese, Mother Teresa, John Paul II…and here I am, all comfy with my life at university in front of a computer and countless other conveniences, unless you count losing at games and the postponement of my Masters application. Does not sound remarkably profound if you ask me.

Is it not disquieting? Christ is the only doorway to salvation. We cannot follow Him unless we are willing to sacrifice and take up our cross. Put it another way, unless we are willing to sacrifice for His sake, we will not be able to enter His Kingdom. Where does that leave us then? Catholics might suggest Purgatory. But even so, it is written:

“Now if anyone builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stubble – each man’s work will become manifest; for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed through fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done. If the work which any man has built on the foundation survives, he will receive a reward. If any man’s work is burned up, he will suffer loss, though he himself will be saved, but only as through fire.” 

(1 Corinthians 3:12-15)

Mark the words, “If any man’s work.” But if we have not even started on the cross, what work did we do? It will neither be gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay or stubble – it will be nothing. Nothing will be burned up, and we will not suffer loss, for we ourselves are lost. Is it not then more likely then, to assume that those who did not sacrifice and take up their cross are destined down the road of Hell?

Perhaps it is really time for me to take some time to ponder earnestly on what my cross is to be, and the strength to confront it when it is revealed to me – especially since this is the season of Lent.

RFG always.

Musings on Eternal Life

A note to anyone who is reading this: I am not presenting or assuming to unravel the mysteries of Heaven in this post. This is purely my musings and was written with no conscious effort to leave behind any lesson to be learned, spiritually or morally.

I sometimes find myself wondering what happens to those who have physically left the world. I am sure I am not the only person with this thought. Preachers of all religions repeatedly affirm that, to put simply, when we die, the good go to Heaven and live happily ever after; while evil people go to Hell and suffer for eternity. Finish, end of story, close the book – that is how they usually end it.

Yet is that really the final finale? Pastors hardly (if ever) talk in detail what happens in the afterlife – perhaps rightfully so. After all, we are told not to worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34); and this is already taking it to the next life. Anyway, what good will come about discussing a vague and elusive subject on the afterlife? What lessons can we extract from this intellectually exhausting exercise?

Still, along the way a curious soul will ask, “Hey, what do you suppose we will do when we are in Heaven?” Perhaps the reply will be, “Living in peace and praising God with for eternity.” If the question is taken a step further, “How so?” I wonder what will the response be?

I believe this is where the Church – in particular the Catholic Church – would be able to provide some insight. Occasionally when we pray, we follow it through with a Hail Mary or an intercession of some well-known Saints. These brothers and sisters have gone before us and are now dwelling in the presence of our Lord in Heaven, receiving our prayers and laying them at His feet.

For me, this brings to mind a vast organisational network working to process various documents. Each time we ask a saint to intercede for us, it feels in a way as though we approach our superior for a word/letter of recommendation.

If we are made in God’s image and likeness, I think it is legit to assume that we, to a certain degree would function in similar fashion as He. Accordingly, the way we organise, distribute and handle tasks likely reflects that in Heaven.

When we make a prayer to a patron saint – say, Saint Joseph for our travels – it could be that, given the authority and jurisdiction over that area, he will utilise what means at his disposal to protect us during our journeys. Some – Mother Mary for example – may also be assigned roles that requires direct communication in order to deliver the messages from God (see the Transfiguration; google Our Lady of Fatima).

For the 12 Apostles, the first who had left everything to follow Him, Jesus had said to them, “In the new world, when the Son of Man shall sit on His glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the tribes of Israel” (Matthew 19:28). Note, they do not merely sit with their rewards in eternal life (Matthew 19:29) but because they have been tried and passed through fire, they have received their reward along with a great honour and responsibility of ruling the nations.

Well, we now (or at least for myself) have a satisfactory explanation of major saints and the Apostles and their work in Heaven. What then, of the others? What of the unnamed saints, those whose deeds are comparable amongst the greatest saints, or those who have not achieved such feat in their earthly life but are nevertheless saved through the very same grace of God? What of those who, reversing the action of the servant in the Luke 19:23, placed the money in the bank for an interest?

It is not difficult to imagine saints working with or under one another, just as on earth the Church has its hierarchy with people having different but complementary roles. A town cannot function without a mayor, and a mayor cannot function without subordinates. Even once we receive our heavenly bodies, I doubt one will be able to macro and micromanage a town by himself/herself, much less an entire nation – that can said to be on par with God already. Nay, rather it would make more sense if saints in charge of that town would have other saints to assist him/her in running its operations.

From the Parable of the Talents, the Lord related those who have achieved much for the Kingdom, “You shall have authority over ten cities (Luke 19:17).” Deriving from this parable, if 10 pounds = 10 cities, and 5 pounds = 5 cities, should the third servant stored his single pound in the bank and received back an interest of 5%, he would be in charge of 5% of a city. This percentage one can view it as a building or an organisation in the city; nevertheless, it is but an element of a bigger picture. A central person/body is still required to manage the city as a whole, as both the building and city are dependent on each other for growth.

Even if we were to take Matthew’s version of the parable, it is said to the faithful servant, “I will set you over much” (Matthew 25:21, other versions translate it as God will put us in charge of many things). Why would we need to be set over much after we enter into glory, unless we will still have duties and responsibilities in the life after? Why would God put us through this life with all its challenges and responsibilities, if we do not need these values and experiences later? After all, out Lord did mention in Luke 16:11, “If then you have not been faithful in unrighteous mammon, who will entrust you with true riches?” This leads me to hypothesise that our responsibilities on Earth is to prepare us for similar responsibilities in Heaven.

Now that I think about it, this way of deduction makes it appear that our life on earth will not be so very different from the one God has for us in heaven. The great hope however, is that we will be united with our brothers and sisters, worshipping God directly in His presence and in prefect love. Just as how it was in the beginning before sin entered the world, when Adam dwelled directly within God’s presence in the Garden of Eden. As man was made steward on earth, so we may be stewards of God in the next life. Perhaps that was why Scripture recorded mankind having a lifespan up to nearly a thousand years, alluding to their role as eternal caretakers in God’s Kingdom.

I would like to repeat again what I initially said about this post being my personal musings and may not reflect the Church’s stand. It may well be that with my very limited comprehension of God, I may have shot way off the mark. For myself however, it presents a satisfactory answer of the life awaiting me when I reach my heavenly inheritance in the Kingdom.

RFG always.

The Cold or the Comfort?

Humans are creatures of comfort. We tend to get attracted to things that will entertain or bring some form of pleasure in our lives. Given a choice, many of us would rather sit around and laze away if the alternative is to face the workload in front of us (say, studying for example).

Such situations I encounter a lot in the Christian community, Catholic and non-Catholic alike. We want the benefits, but not the struggle that must come with it. This is the reason why I believe the majority of Christians are only so in their identification certificate. Even those who profess themselves a devoted/practicing “Christian” (myself included) oft times shirk away from our Great Commission which Christ Himself commanded us.

Yet this should not be so, especially concerning our Faith. Those who aspire to great heights will only reach it if they are willing to leave their comfort zone. Most of us will be able to relate to the scenario: putting our blood, sweat and tears in an activity. The frustrations and hardships endured; all of it became worthwhile the moment we accomplished our goal. Be it winning a competition, acquiring that item we so longed for, getting a promotion, acing our exams, or even finishing a game in hard mode without cheats – we recall fondly the feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment when passing those obstacles.

The same goes for the path of being a true practicing Christian. After all, nobody gets inspired by dispassionate people who shut themselves in the room all day long. Those who display high personal principles may be respected, but rarely move others to action. Only individuals who reach out to others are capable to effectively motivate those around them.

Take the book of Revelations. It is a book that has been widely highlighted for its prophetic events on the end of times. Yet it also speaks a message that is much closer to home – a message which, coincidentally, can be applied to the Church today.

In Revelations 10:8-11:

Then the voice which I had heard from heaven spoke to me again, saying, “Go, take the scroll which is open in the hand of the angel who is standing on the sea and on the land.” So I went to the angel and told him to give me the scroll; and he said to me, “Take it and eat; it will be bitter to your stomach, but sweet as honey in your mouth.” And I took the scroll from the hand of the angel and ate it; it was sweet as honey in my mouth, but when I had eaten it my stomach was made bitter. And I was told, “You must again prophesy about the many peoples and nations and tongues and kings.”

This was the message John received in his dream; yet the command of the message is meant for all, as we are all called to be messengers for God. Will we withhold the Word because it turns our stomach to preach it? We know that the Gospel we have received brings joy, eternal life and glory; we also know that its compensation is suffering, persecution and perhaps even death. We love the sweet taste of redemption, and recognise the Word we speak carries the sweetness of the Promise; but we despise the bitterness of the message, and fear the bitterness the world feeds back to its herald.

We are afraid, but we often overlook that the receiving party may just as well be as afraid as us. We often equate “the world” with sin, yet all of us are given the breath of life by God (Genesis 2:7), and that “all thing were made through Him” (John 1:3). Everyone and everything possess a part of God in them. People may support masturbation, but how many would actually fiddle their privates in public the moment they spot a guy/girl that turns them on? Deep down most of us I believe are aware of our sin, thus we try to hide the act and bury our conscience.

Yet, as the late archbishop Fulton Sheen wrote in his book ‘Life of Christ’: sin has to be confronted before salvation can be obtained. If one refuses to face his/her fears, how can he/she expect to reach the summit? Life is not a game which can be hacked, especially concerning the road of redemption. One has to pierce through the many layers of transgression before the waters of grace are free to flow.

Sometimes the call of faith may not be delivered as a soft and gentle breeze, as in the case of our Lord’s tactful discourse with the Samaritan woman in John 4:5-42. Under certain situations we may be forced to adopt a more direct and aggressive stance – a bitter medicine for the recipient indeed. Christ was no exception: for instance when He drove the traders from the Temple. As a result, the authorities “sought to destroy Him” (Luke 20:47). His is the life of hostility from the world, from His birth even until this day. And if they persecute our Lord, be sure that we who live in Him will be persecuted as well (John 15:20).

“How sweet are Thy Words to my taste!” (Psalm 119:103) But will we bury the message beneath our fears of the world, or will we rise up and share the life-giving words with others? Will we be able to stand firm in our faith no matter the occasion? Should the time of trials reach our doorstep, may we remember and hold on to these words of our Lord:

“Blessed are you when men…persecute you…on my account…for your reward is great in Heaven.”

(Matthew 5:11-12)

RFG always.

PS: I will like to take this sentence and wish whoever is reading this a very blessed Christmas season in the Lord. May He find us worthy to dwell under the roof of His stable.