Awhile back when
I was struggling to cope with my busy start of the semester, I felt keenly
something which I am rarely conscious of – I was beginning to despise my
nightly devotion. The minimum 1 hour I set aside became more of a mechanical
routine – distant and impersonal.
Going through
this was like the post-Lenten period all over again. Checking my watch every
few minutes to see if I had reached the set time, I began to lose the meaning
of this devotion in the first place. If I were to give an analogy it was like
sitting in class and waiting impatiently for the bell to go off during the
final period. Only, this was not merely an educational lesson, nor was it
supposed to be a distant unrelated subject taught by some droning teacher.
While setting a
standard and working to meet it can indeed be a good thing, yet forcing
yourself under high stress and a foul mood may actually result in a destruction in interest. This would only detract
and shut the message God intends to deliver to me.
Back when I
initially set myself this benchmark, I originally meant for it to be a time
where I could set aside the activities of the day and dedicate the period so
that I may increase my relationship with Him, be it through the Word,
reflections, prayer, or adoration. Although I did update myself on the time
every now and then, I did not particularly kept tabs on how long I went,
sometimes going nearly thrice the set standard.
Even now I felt
my actions in this similar to the Pharisees in Jesus’ time – only the show I
stage was for myself, my own satisfaction. While others may not gaze on the
performance, it was a much more subtle act of self-righteousness and
gratification, one harder to correct since itself is harder to (consciously)
spot. And with that, I gradually began to lose grip on the main intention of
centering on God.
The time when I
was freshly aware of this, led by the Spirit I decided to go through the day’s
readings as I attempted to sort this out. At that time, the words of Sirach 35:1-5; Psalms 50:5-6,
7-8, 14, 23 and Mark 10:28-31 called
out from the pages. In fact the first verse in the first reading from Sirach, immediately reached out to me:
“He who keeps the law makes many offerings; he who heeds
the commandment sacrifices a peace offering.”
Sharing in God’s
life requires an earnest effort to improve of one’s heart and actions, not
simply following a “dead” rule. That is the true spirit of the Law, which can
be summarised as love God and neighbour (Luke 10:27).
Even when it was mentioned to “keep the Sabbath day
holy,” (Exodus 20:8) our Lord showed in
numerous passages (Luke 6:1-10, 13:10-17, 14:2:-6,
etc.) that we are not to compromise showing His love because of our own
self-righteous standards.
The following Psalm further reinforced this, and affirmed that true
sacrifice comes not from superficial offerings; instead
“Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving…call upon Me in
the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.”
(Psalms 50:14-15)
The Gospel
concluded it in whole, when Peter said “we have
given up everything and followed you.” At that moment, it reminded me
that our whole lives – all our activities of eating, sleeping, studying,
working, etc. – are to be lifted in prayer. Thus it challenged me to carry my
prayers into my daily activities.
With all that is
said however, I still do not intend to compromise my time set aside for
prayer/devotion. The conclusions I arrived to were not to provide me a leeway,
but so that I may understand and work to overcome the problem.
But there are
times where I need to know my human limits, and that it would better to cease
rather than accumulating loathing for His word. Thus I should also learn to
focus on my work and lift them up as a prayer.
RFG always.
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