Irony

How ironic are men such as I

that they are capable of a worry to death

when those they hold close to heart do not respond for a while

yet when they are found to be safe and sound

anger and derision replaced their feelings

as their relief washes away.

My mum called in the evening today. When I answered, there was no response from the other end, and I promptly dismissed the call after two unreplied salutations and thought no more of it.

After two hours passed, I decided to ring back my mum back on the reason she called. It was past 7.30pm then; usually she comes back earlier, and she mentioned to me last night to cook rice for her and my sister for dinner.

When I could not reach her after a few calls, I started to get worried. After numerous attempted calls, my anxiety increased tenfold and I started praying while restlessly wandering around the house. For one, my area is not exactly safe – I have witnessed/experienced robbery/fights/assaults at least seven times since I moved into my current residence.    

When a red car finally emerged at the front gate near 8pm, I was immensely relieved. Yet I was angry, and only a few minutes passed before I regained my usual (and quite irritable) attitude. Later my mum told me to bring in the laundry then but I objected as it was nearing my prayer time.

When I went up to pray however, I felt uneasy, and the thoughts mentioned in the opening came to mind. Was this how I witness and show my gratitude to God for keeping my mum and sister safe and well all this time? Was this the way I show my love towards my mum? Soon after the verse of Matthew 5:24 floated to mind, I decided to do what my mum asked of me before continuing prayer/devotion.

The saying ‘you’ll never appreciate until they are really gone’ indeed holds true and made me reflect upon my actions. Especially since I am not with my family most of the time these days due to university life away from home, I should strive to make what little time I have when I am back to make it worthwhile. It is something I have a long way to go, and I pray that the Holy Spirit will inspire me to constantly look to the Holy Family as the perfect model in this.

RFG always.

1st Post-Lenten Reflection

Recently I went through the chapter of 1 Samuel 11, as per my Scriptural contemplation. In brief, it narrates the first major accomplishment of Saul, who gathered the people of Israel against the threat of the Ammonites in Jabesh-gilead and subsequently crushed them. This event then led up to his appointment as the first king of Israel.

As I contemplated and recorded my thoughts/views on the passage, a certain phrase caught my attention:

He (Saul) took a yoke of oxen, and cut them into pieces and sent them throughout the territory of Israel by the hand of the messengers, saying, “Whoever does not come out after Saul or Samuel, so shall it be done to his oxen!” (1 Samuel 11:7).

To which I wrote,

‘…he who does not respond actively to this call as a witness will have their own share of grace given by God taken away from them (Luke 19:24).’

While this may not be a direct work of evangelization, it reminded me that no matter how busy I am in life, if I do not make time and consciously choose to ignore others, God will certainly not let that slide.

Examining myself on this year, during the beginning of the semester I was more willing and helpful, and my academic performance was quite satisfactory. The second half however, with the end Lent and fasting I unleashed my over-the-top behaviour and let loose the demons in me. On a particular day, I received back three results, and all three made me want to compress them into a ball and send them to the recycling center.

How can I expect help from God when I refused to help others? And how can I lay blame anyone but myself? Only a few posts back I wrote on how I am to watch myself carefully, being a witness of Christ as others too are watching me. How then will others see me? How then will it project my Catholic faith? Seeing that some have already come to identify me as a “religious” person, this is not something I can easily escape from – and this should not be something we, as Christians try to escape from.

I believe the Lord is steering me back towards the right path, albeit quite harshly, as His witness in spirit and in truth, and to prevent me from steadily sliding backwards. As I recall the prayer I make before tests/exams, I am reminded to strive to reorganise my life, that it may be an acceptable offering to the Lord.

“But most of all O Lord, no matter what happens, that I will lift it all up to you.”

RFG always.

Post-Lenten Review

Ever since Lent passed, contrary of its purpose to emerge as a better/stronger person, I have been taking a huge step backwards – physically, morally and even spiritually. It was like as though all the urges held back during the 40 day period came rushing out like a burst dam.

On the first day of Easter, I have been eating non-stop after coming back from Mass – from cendol to kuih to chocolates all the way to dinner and after dinner more junk food all the way until I fell back to bed. This continued the next day, as though my stomach is making up for what it potentially would have taken, although it was far more likely I would not have taken them on ordinary days prior to Lent.

Since then I noticed too I became more self-centered, responding more to situations that suited my purpose while almost to the point of ignoring others whom I deem will not benefit me. Quite a number of times I brushed aside those who are in need of my help – whether they asked or no –, became ruder and curt in answering, and concentrated more on my work solely for my own benefit.

In terms of spiritual growth… it is said that this aspect corresponds accordingly to one’s physical and moral states, and it is no exception this time around. I began to compromise bit by bit on the time set aside for prayer and Scripture reading, and while prayer may not have occurred less often, the quality experienced a drastic drop, as my mind often is preoccupied with idle thoughts and issues which I brought upon myself (eg: sleeping late and praying faster to in compensation).

As of today, the after-effects still can be observed even this far in to the Easter season. There can only be one conclusion: it is seriously time for me to pause and reflect all that happened during the 40 days of Lent which led up to this mess.

Having Faith vs Living Faith (Part 2)

The story of faith is similar to the life of a plant. It begins from the seed, the minute it touches the ground. The seed grows, and quick indeed does it grow. It becomes noticeable in a span of a few days: beginning from the shoot of a young stem and to its first leaf. And as the plant springs forth from the ground, people will stop to look, and it will continue to draw more audience.

Living faith is akin to tending the plant, constantly providing nutrients needed for it to continue to grow. From the outside, one may not notice any significant change as its initial growth spurt. Yet day by day, the roots continue to dig deeper, the soft stem strengthens into a bark, and as time passes, it will eventually bear fruits among its leaves. These fruits are then harvested, each containing the same seed which may one day grow into a same plant.

Having faith causes the seed to grow; living it however, sustains it, as water sustains a plant. In life, people tend to notice the faith I have; they are however, influenced by the way I live my faith. And whether they will admit it or not, many people subconsciously hold in high regard and expectations we who proclaim our faith.

When my previous roommate caught me cursing once during a high stress period, the first comment he made was, “Har, you are a Christian and you curse.” Yet if we were to compare the number of times we swore audibly, I could honestly say it was like a crow accusing a sparrow of eating refuse. It goes to show that even a small misstep may have drastic consequences. Faith is a double edged sword; the moment you slip, the trumpet sounds.

How we live our faith is indeed very crucial. The nourishments we provide it will affect ourselves as well as those around us. It is not enough just to have faith – yes, people will notice when you say it: by the cross hanging from your neck, or the religious items placed in your room. Yet how will it portray us if we swear daily, repeatedly turn in sloppy work, or frequently display violent behavior? Oh yes, people will notice your faith alright, and they will relate all these attributes they see to your faith. The result: Christians = Diss-tians.

Living faith does not have an immediate effect. It cumulates slowly, like laying a building one block at a time. On the surface, people may not detect anything overtly different, yet day by day as you continue to interact, they become drawn to you and the qualities you possess. Like an attractive fruit hanging prominently on the tree, they will stretch out their hand and take it, and when they find it pleasant in taste, they cannot help but come back for more.

There is a person I managed to chance upon in life. Plain, quiet and keeps to himself, you could say he is an average Joe in the classroom; definitely not someone you would spare a second glance on a busy street, yet who tries to live his life consciously on his beliefs and moral values. Whenever this person was brought up, comments I hear are usually favourable, some even of how he is such a joy to be with. And, reserved as he is, when he speaks people listen, when he promises they trust, and when he acts they follow.

When someone picks a fruit, he bases it on two fundamental aspects. The first is the shell covers it. The second is the filling within it. Bear in mind: the shell is what catches the eye but the contents ultimately decide the response.

RFG always.

Having Faith vs Living Faith.

Ever felt like trolling when something unpleasant shows up in life? I am sure many face(d) it when, just after vowing to become a better person, crap bangs the door and immediately all our noble aspirations suddenly flew from our minds.

Crap happens – as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, until the world ends. It is not as though I do not have a share in it. Take this month for example. During Chinese New Year (which fell on a Sunday), I woke up at 5 in the morning, prepared myself for Church and arrived at the bus stop only to end up waiting until 7 for less than peanuts.

I cannot say I did not feel at least slightly irritated, and as I made my way back to my residence, less than admirable thoughts entered my mind which went along the lines, ‘I woke up early, but God doesn’t want me to go to Church; so I don’t care.’

It is during those times I should remind myself, am I truly living the faith I have? Or am I living it only at my convenience?

Having faith and living it are two different sides of the same coin. Even when no one is physically in the vicinity to hear my inner complaints, the spite which continues to linger wears and may even corrupt the mind, if dwelt on excessively. Nothing beneficial ever comes in being preoccupied with negative thoughts. On the contrary, they may one day leak into our thoughts and actions, and blatantly surface during trying times, without our awareness or meaning to.

Ultimately however, the thoughts I had were addressed to God. Even as I try to deny and direct this thought to nobody in particular, it is just like muttering complaints to myself about a person while still within his earshot. Even when the person knows we do not mean it and only said thus in the heat of the moment, it is not easy to let go of what was said.

The future promises to hold in store greater trials of life, and we all have to go through ours, like it or not. As for me, I will continue to pray that I will be able to grow during those times, consciously reminding myself to walk the path Jesus took whenever I am faced with such trials. May this Lenten season be a fruitful time of spiritual maturing for all through the denial of the physical pleasures in life.

RFG always.

When Quantity Leads to Quality

Have you ever had the experience of praying, yet not feeling in the mood to pray? Although you tried, you just cannot put your heart in it? If so, do we wait for an appropriate time until we feel motivated to pray? Or could it be a sign that we are losing faith?

Sometimes, I feel there is not much I can do to improve my relationship with God – rather, I should say I cannot think nor muster up anything to improve my relationship with Him. There are periods when, after completing a passage from the Bible, I am at a lost to pick up from there, and began to think if I should spend my time on more “productive” actions.

Even as I sit here typing this out, I do not exactly feel inspired to continue on writing. As a student of engineering, the question of quality over quantity naturally comes into mind once in a while. Recently I began to think in such terms during my nightly periods of spiritual reading and contemplation. Should I just focus my all on the initial passage and, if nothing else comes to mind, stop at there?

Last semester, I took my (compulsory) course of Introduction to Management, and in one of the topics there was a particular phrase which holds significant value, which went along this line:

“Drive is important – and equally important is the ability to sustain the drive.”

The ability to sustain the drive – perseverance, which in other words can also be translated as quantity.

While it is true that quantity – that is, the amount of time spent – does not necessarily result in quality, it provides a stepping stone that propels one to achieve better results. Occasionally, I tend to drift when I study or conduct research, yet somehow those periods seem to play a role in my passing of marks and work done. And after a while into the period, I was even able to get past the ‘I cannot absorb anything’ phase.

Similarly, by having quantity, I believe that it will nourish my faith and my relationship with God, even if I may not feel it so. For nothing if set aside willingly to our Heavenly Father will go wasted. And, as with other times, I believe that I will be able to move past the not-so-productive stage and accumulate myself so as to give my all, with the guidance of Jesus and the strength of the Holy Spirit.

As I list down my thoughts which no one (at least that I know) would likely read, I believe that one day this record would strengthen me for the better as I look back and ponder on the road which led me to where I am. The very fact that I have gone through such periods will not only nurture my faith, but I believe it will also aid me in other aspects of my life.

“Blessed is the man who endures trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life which God promised to those who love Him.”

(James 1:12)

RFG always.

Anime Allegory

Not long ago I finished watching the animation series Puella Magi Madoka Magica (yes, I enjoy Japanese anime – surprise surprise =D), after being recommended by several uni-mates. Initially I intended to keep myself from this show, not because of the ‘magical girl’ theme, but due to the series being too short – only 12 episodes.

Throughout the series, I noticed somewhat the dark and moral themes presented in the anime. The final episode somewhat moved me a bit; the words at the end had me recall that there is always someone watching over you; and I gave my verdict that it was an above average show (for the many who really enjoyed it, I apologise but it just did not appeal highly to me, not that I believe those who watched it would be reading this though XD). That was in essence my thoughts on the anime at that time.

Sometime later, as I was browsing the net in search for any manga/anime with Christian-based themes, I chanced upon this site, beneaththetangles.wordpress.com. More specifically, I came across this article, which left me quite a while in reflection. For those who are reading this, I recommend you also read what the author, TWWK eloquently wrote there.

Warning: spoiler alert for those who have not, and intend, to watch Puella Magi Madoka Magica.

To briefly summarise those thoughts,

• Madoka’s final sacrifice displays the mankind’s fallen state and the value of Jesus Christ.
• The relationship of Kyubey and the girls is similar to the serpent tempting Adam and Eve to eat the fruit in the garden of Eden, both instances the latter not realising the full consequences of their act.
• Madoka taking on the curses of all the magical girls throughout history parallels Jesus taking the burden of sin of all humankind.
• Madoka left Homura her red ribbon, reminding her she is not alone. Likewise, Christ, when He ascended to the Father, sent the Holy Spirit to the believers.
• Christ overcame sin upon the Cross. Similarly, all magical girls were freed from the curse of becoming witches due to Madoka’s self-sacrifice. Yet suffering continues in both cases. Sin is still prevalent in our world; while demons came in place of witches. But this life, after renewal is much better than the previous. The magical girls still fight, but no longer live under the witch’s curse. Christians still have to deal with sin, but can now look forward in hope towards our heavenly destination.

While the points were certainly quite eye-opening, what particularly struck me were not the insights that were presented, but the fact that I failed to notice those insights even after completing the anime some time ago (for a person who partly focuses allegory theology, I must admit I am a little disappointed with myself). From time to time I like to fancy myself drawing anime-like artwork or creating Catholic-themed manga (by the way, computer graphics design would have been my first option for tertiary education before engineering). Part of this is fuelled somewhat due to some of these Japanese productions poking fun at, and sometimes showing open contempt for Christianity. To say nothing of the fan service that comes with almost every anime, many of them promote questionable moral values, whether directly or through subtle undertones within their works. Really now, is sexual-themed humour a must for a show to be successful?

Reading TWWK’s article was in a way a wake-up call for me. Although reminded often, many a time I fail to recognise God’s presence in every aspect of my life, especially during periods of entertainment. “God is not only found in Church, Scripture or prayer.” It is easy for one to say it, even more so to take this sentence for granted. Only when you have personally experienced something meaningful (and repeatedly) does the phrase nail home. The Madoka post reaffirms me that there is indeed a divine dimension in all areas of activity.

God is truly present everywhere. We need however, to constantly remind ourselves to open our eyes and ears and tune ourselves towards His presence. Not an easy task to be sure, yet “he who seeks finds” (Luke 11:10). With this in our hearts, I hope that we will gradually come to see Him in everything we encounter, and to glorify Him through all that He has placed before us.

RFG always.

PS: by chance (or should I say, His plan) the passage which I read while writing this, Joshua 22:10-34 reminded that praise, although presented differently, is just as acceptable to glorify His name as with other forms of more traditional or contemporary praise, as long as it is absent from sinful aspects – it is more the intention that gives what we do meaning.