2nd Post-Lenten Reflection

What happens when internet connection is as stable as churning water, assignments come in stacks and test required studying codes and 1819 page textbooks? Answer: A slow post. Thus I apologise to anyone following this blog – not that I believe anyone IS following this blog XD. Note this post was supposed to be early in June XP.

Yes, even until now, I am still on this, since even up till now there are still traces of the aftereffects of what happened post-Lenten.

Stress was one of the reasons why I ended the way I was/am, although it itself played only a part of it – nevertheless a major part.

When I decided to fast, I gave up on quite a number of activities I would normally do during my leisure time. One of it was of course eating. Due to financial circumstances my meals are usually very plain and simple (do not get me wrong, I am grateful for what I have), and one way to compensate that was through a little more quantity during breakfast and dinner. When the 40 day fasting began, I cut down slightly on that end, the occasional munching at an odd hour to keep myself awake and my stomach satisfied (and my mouth busy), as well as my “lunch”.

PC gaming was another thing I put off during this time. While I cannot recall if I stopped it completely, I can say I laid off a substantial amount of time in which otherwise I would have spent clicking away with my mouse and keyboard.

While these may be a minor sacrifice to some, it was quite a trying time for me particularly from the middle of the semester onward, when workloads began mounting so much so that I deemed it necessary to reduce the time for prayer/devotion by half of what I usually did. There were days where I stayed beyond 4 in the morning to finish my assignments/projects, and waking up later after 2 hours of sleep.

Without an effective outlet, my stress continued to build up. Had I sought to look hard enough, it may be that I could have found a feasible alternative against this predicament – but now that I think of it, would that have been considered as fasting then? I guess that would depend on the activity as well as its intensity. Regardless, I was much too lazy to find or integrate other alternatives.

As much though I may reason, argue or justify about how little time I have for relaxation, it was not as though I absolutely has no time for myself. Deprived from games and food, I resorted to wandering aimlessly on the web, idly searching for anything that caught my interest – yet this was a little above pure wasting time and certainly was not a very productive/healthy habit. Oh, and there was the alternative of reading but that can eat up to 3 hours per session, thus something in which I tried to avoid.

In light of this situation, what should I have done? Read the Bible? Be still and meditate? Work out? Truthfully, I see no easy answer to this. I believe one effective method for one may not be so for another. That being said however, one of the more effective solution I found to helped me calm myself was going out for a breather.

Sometimes I believe nature provides a certain soothing quality that cannot be found elsewhere through human means. Substitutions such as food was a far more expensive route that only seemed to satisfy me for the length it takes to finish it, or until  my stomach was finished with it. When I think back, many biblical characters too applied such methods, from meditating under a tree (Judges 4:5), to contemplating in the wilderness (1 Kings 19:39-44) or praying in the garden (Luke 22:39-44). While I will not say this for everyone, I believe the noise of human activities provides a dangerous distraction which may even cause one to come back for more, deviating you from your original intended task for a significantly large period of time. I only need to look at myself to see the numerous times I thought ‘five more minutes’ while playing, or ‘one more chapter’ when reading.

For me a stroll took a different front. While clearing off the mind, it did not pose the temptation of taking excessively long bouts of wandering the grounds. Rather, it allowed me to collect myself to continue the task. To me this is one of nature’s quality God provided for us that is oft taken for granted. God ministers through the environment, it being the first and oldest form of therapy, knowing that people such as I cannot solely draw strength, or rather cannot muster the strength to pray or pick up the Bible mid-stress. In fact, I would applaud those who manage to do such. Often God reveals Himself and speaks to us through the calm as well.

So why had I not applied this? Actually I did but often I am tempted to get something to munch when I leave my room. Usually the moment I buy something I would come back to the room to continue my work but between eating, getting my hands dirty and working does pose a significant interference to progress. I guess that is a fault I must try and overcome.

Whatever the method one must find a way to overcome such times. No matter who we are, one day each of us will inevitably come to a period where it feels as if the whole world is laid upon our shoulders. I found a potential solution to which I will try when such a period comes again. I pray then the Lord would grant me His peace written in John 14:27, as He did in Jesus, His Apostles and the prophets when they went to seek His solace.

RFG always.

Irony

How ironic are men such as I

that they are capable of a worry to death

when those they hold close to heart do not respond for a while

yet when they are found to be safe and sound

anger and derision replaced their feelings

as their relief washes away.

My mum called in the evening today. When I answered, there was no response from the other end, and I promptly dismissed the call after two unreplied salutations and thought no more of it.

After two hours passed, I decided to ring back my mum back on the reason she called. It was past 7.30pm then; usually she comes back earlier, and she mentioned to me last night to cook rice for her and my sister for dinner.

When I could not reach her after a few calls, I started to get worried. After numerous attempted calls, my anxiety increased tenfold and I started praying while restlessly wandering around the house. For one, my area is not exactly safe – I have witnessed/experienced robbery/fights/assaults at least seven times since I moved into my current residence.    

When a red car finally emerged at the front gate near 8pm, I was immensely relieved. Yet I was angry, and only a few minutes passed before I regained my usual (and quite irritable) attitude. Later my mum told me to bring in the laundry then but I objected as it was nearing my prayer time.

When I went up to pray however, I felt uneasy, and the thoughts mentioned in the opening came to mind. Was this how I witness and show my gratitude to God for keeping my mum and sister safe and well all this time? Was this the way I show my love towards my mum? Soon after the verse of Matthew 5:24 floated to mind, I decided to do what my mum asked of me before continuing prayer/devotion.

The saying ‘you’ll never appreciate until they are really gone’ indeed holds true and made me reflect upon my actions. Especially since I am not with my family most of the time these days due to university life away from home, I should strive to make what little time I have when I am back to make it worthwhile. It is something I have a long way to go, and I pray that the Holy Spirit will inspire me to constantly look to the Holy Family as the perfect model in this.

RFG always.

1st Post-Lenten Reflection

Recently I went through the chapter of 1 Samuel 11, as per my Scriptural contemplation. In brief, it narrates the first major accomplishment of Saul, who gathered the people of Israel against the threat of the Ammonites in Jabesh-gilead and subsequently crushed them. This event then led up to his appointment as the first king of Israel.

As I contemplated and recorded my thoughts/views on the passage, a certain phrase caught my attention:

He (Saul) took a yoke of oxen, and cut them into pieces and sent them throughout the territory of Israel by the hand of the messengers, saying, “Whoever does not come out after Saul or Samuel, so shall it be done to his oxen!” (1 Samuel 11:7).

To which I wrote,

‘…he who does not respond actively to this call as a witness will have their own share of grace given by God taken away from them (Luke 19:24).’

While this may not be a direct work of evangelization, it reminded me that no matter how busy I am in life, if I do not make time and consciously choose to ignore others, God will certainly not let that slide.

Examining myself on this year, during the beginning of the semester I was more willing and helpful, and my academic performance was quite satisfactory. The second half however, with the end Lent and fasting I unleashed my over-the-top behaviour and let loose the demons in me. On a particular day, I received back three results, and all three made me want to compress them into a ball and send them to the recycling center.

How can I expect help from God when I refused to help others? And how can I lay blame anyone but myself? Only a few posts back I wrote on how I am to watch myself carefully, being a witness of Christ as others too are watching me. How then will others see me? How then will it project my Catholic faith? Seeing that some have already come to identify me as a “religious” person, this is not something I can easily escape from – and this should not be something we, as Christians try to escape from.

I believe the Lord is steering me back towards the right path, albeit quite harshly, as His witness in spirit and in truth, and to prevent me from steadily sliding backwards. As I recall the prayer I make before tests/exams, I am reminded to strive to reorganise my life, that it may be an acceptable offering to the Lord.

“But most of all O Lord, no matter what happens, that I will lift it all up to you.”

RFG always.

Post-Lenten Review

Ever since Lent passed, contrary of its purpose to emerge as a better/stronger person, I have been taking a huge step backwards – physically, morally and even spiritually. It was like as though all the urges held back during the 40 day period came rushing out like a burst dam.

On the first day of Easter, I have been eating non-stop after coming back from Mass – from cendol to kuih to chocolates all the way to dinner and after dinner more junk food all the way until I fell back to bed. This continued the next day, as though my stomach is making up for what it potentially would have taken, although it was far more likely I would not have taken them on ordinary days prior to Lent.

Since then I noticed too I became more self-centered, responding more to situations that suited my purpose while almost to the point of ignoring others whom I deem will not benefit me. Quite a number of times I brushed aside those who are in need of my help – whether they asked or no –, became ruder and curt in answering, and concentrated more on my work solely for my own benefit.

In terms of spiritual growth… it is said that this aspect corresponds accordingly to one’s physical and moral states, and it is no exception this time around. I began to compromise bit by bit on the time set aside for prayer and Scripture reading, and while prayer may not have occurred less often, the quality experienced a drastic drop, as my mind often is preoccupied with idle thoughts and issues which I brought upon myself (eg: sleeping late and praying faster to in compensation).

As of today, the after-effects still can be observed even this far in to the Easter season. There can only be one conclusion: it is seriously time for me to pause and reflect all that happened during the 40 days of Lent which led up to this mess.

Having Faith vs Living Faith (Part 2)

The story of faith is similar to the life of a plant. It begins from the seed, the minute it touches the ground. The seed grows, and quick indeed does it grow. It becomes noticeable in a span of a few days: beginning from the shoot of a young stem and to its first leaf. And as the plant springs forth from the ground, people will stop to look, and it will continue to draw more audience.

Living faith is akin to tending the plant, constantly providing nutrients needed for it to continue to grow. From the outside, one may not notice any significant change as its initial growth spurt. Yet day by day, the roots continue to dig deeper, the soft stem strengthens into a bark, and as time passes, it will eventually bear fruits among its leaves. These fruits are then harvested, each containing the same seed which may one day grow into a same plant.

Having faith causes the seed to grow; living it however, sustains it, as water sustains a plant. In life, people tend to notice the faith I have; they are however, influenced by the way I live my faith. And whether they will admit it or not, many people subconsciously hold in high regard and expectations we who proclaim our faith.

When my previous roommate caught me cursing once during a high stress period, the first comment he made was, “Har, you are a Christian and you curse.” Yet if we were to compare the number of times we swore audibly, I could honestly say it was like a crow accusing a sparrow of eating refuse. It goes to show that even a small misstep may have drastic consequences. Faith is a double edged sword; the moment you slip, the trumpet sounds.

How we live our faith is indeed very crucial. The nourishments we provide it will affect ourselves as well as those around us. It is not enough just to have faith – yes, people will notice when you say it: by the cross hanging from your neck, or the religious items placed in your room. Yet how will it portray us if we swear daily, repeatedly turn in sloppy work, or frequently display violent behavior? Oh yes, people will notice your faith alright, and they will relate all these attributes they see to your faith. The result: Christians = Diss-tians.

Living faith does not have an immediate effect. It cumulates slowly, like laying a building one block at a time. On the surface, people may not detect anything overtly different, yet day by day as you continue to interact, they become drawn to you and the qualities you possess. Like an attractive fruit hanging prominently on the tree, they will stretch out their hand and take it, and when they find it pleasant in taste, they cannot help but come back for more.

There is a person I managed to chance upon in life. Plain, quiet and keeps to himself, you could say he is an average Joe in the classroom; definitely not someone you would spare a second glance on a busy street, yet who tries to live his life consciously on his beliefs and moral values. Whenever this person was brought up, comments I hear are usually favourable, some even of how he is such a joy to be with. And, reserved as he is, when he speaks people listen, when he promises they trust, and when he acts they follow.

When someone picks a fruit, he bases it on two fundamental aspects. The first is the shell covers it. The second is the filling within it. Bear in mind: the shell is what catches the eye but the contents ultimately decide the response.

RFG always.

Having Faith vs Living Faith.

Ever felt like trolling when something unpleasant shows up in life? I am sure many face(d) it when, just after vowing to become a better person, crap bangs the door and immediately all our noble aspirations suddenly flew from our minds.

Crap happens – as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, until the world ends. It is not as though I do not have a share in it. Take this month for example. During Chinese New Year (which fell on a Sunday), I woke up at 5 in the morning, prepared myself for Church and arrived at the bus stop only to end up waiting until 7 for less than peanuts.

I cannot say I did not feel at least slightly irritated, and as I made my way back to my residence, less than admirable thoughts entered my mind which went along the lines, ‘I woke up early, but God doesn’t want me to go to Church; so I don’t care.’

It is during those times I should remind myself, am I truly living the faith I have? Or am I living it only at my convenience?

Having faith and living it are two different sides of the same coin. Even when no one is physically in the vicinity to hear my inner complaints, the spite which continues to linger wears and may even corrupt the mind, if dwelt on excessively. Nothing beneficial ever comes in being preoccupied with negative thoughts. On the contrary, they may one day leak into our thoughts and actions, and blatantly surface during trying times, without our awareness or meaning to.

Ultimately however, the thoughts I had were addressed to God. Even as I try to deny and direct this thought to nobody in particular, it is just like muttering complaints to myself about a person while still within his earshot. Even when the person knows we do not mean it and only said thus in the heat of the moment, it is not easy to let go of what was said.

The future promises to hold in store greater trials of life, and we all have to go through ours, like it or not. As for me, I will continue to pray that I will be able to grow during those times, consciously reminding myself to walk the path Jesus took whenever I am faced with such trials. May this Lenten season be a fruitful time of spiritual maturing for all through the denial of the physical pleasures in life.

RFG always.

When Quantity Leads to Quality

Have you ever had the experience of praying, yet not feeling in the mood to pray? Although you tried, you just cannot put your heart in it? If so, do we wait for an appropriate time until we feel motivated to pray? Or could it be a sign that we are losing faith?

Sometimes, I feel there is not much I can do to improve my relationship with God – rather, I should say I cannot think nor muster up anything to improve my relationship with Him. There are periods when, after completing a passage from the Bible, I am at a lost to pick up from there, and began to think if I should spend my time on more “productive” actions.

Even as I sit here typing this out, I do not exactly feel inspired to continue on writing. As a student of engineering, the question of quality over quantity naturally comes into mind once in a while. Recently I began to think in such terms during my nightly periods of spiritual reading and contemplation. Should I just focus my all on the initial passage and, if nothing else comes to mind, stop at there?

Last semester, I took my (compulsory) course of Introduction to Management, and in one of the topics there was a particular phrase which holds significant value, which went along this line:

“Drive is important – and equally important is the ability to sustain the drive.”

The ability to sustain the drive – perseverance, which in other words can also be translated as quantity.

While it is true that quantity – that is, the amount of time spent – does not necessarily result in quality, it provides a stepping stone that propels one to achieve better results. Occasionally, I tend to drift when I study or conduct research, yet somehow those periods seem to play a role in my passing of marks and work done. And after a while into the period, I was even able to get past the ‘I cannot absorb anything’ phase.

Similarly, by having quantity, I believe that it will nourish my faith and my relationship with God, even if I may not feel it so. For nothing if set aside willingly to our Heavenly Father will go wasted. And, as with other times, I believe that I will be able to move past the not-so-productive stage and accumulate myself so as to give my all, with the guidance of Jesus and the strength of the Holy Spirit.

As I list down my thoughts which no one (at least that I know) would likely read, I believe that one day this record would strengthen me for the better as I look back and ponder on the road which led me to where I am. The very fact that I have gone through such periods will not only nurture my faith, but I believe it will also aid me in other aspects of my life.

“Blessed is the man who endures trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life which God promised to those who love Him.”

(James 1:12)

RFG always.