In Turn Sheep

So it is nearing the end of September, and I am officially going to start my second internship (the first was in diploma). It feels a wee bit awkward as most of my high schoolmates have graduated – some with masters, and one even got married late this year.

More disappointingly however was that I did not manage to secure a placement in the offshore industry. Deepwater had been my interest back since college, and I had been angling my efforts to acquiring a placement in the offshore sector. Not that I should grumble much – I knew only 4 batch mates who managed to enter the sector.

Still, it is a bit hard to let this slide. What did I do wrong in my CV? How did those others who were academically/co-curricularly less robust than me managed to make that breakthrough? Why have I, even setting aside pride and self-independence to enlist aid of inside people, not even incited a single response from those companies? While ironically, the few internationally recognised structural companies I sent half-heartedly gave a near instantaneous ring on my phone.

I never doubted God always planned what is best for me – yet I sometimes wondered if my lack of faith obstructed his plan for me. When I prayed I had this feeling that I should continue to wait until the last moment before confirming my place in a company. I had a hunch that the longer I wait, a better opportunity would present itself to me. Sure enough the companies, both image and monetary wise seemed to grow better with each passing offer. I honesty wondered if I made too hasty a decision in jumping ship on the second company offer – just after a few hours, another internationally recognised company called me with a potential wage slightly less than twice the amount than the one I accepted. And it did not help when my course mates surrounded and berated me for foregoing such an opportunity -.-.

Still, what’s done is done, and I am thankful that I managed to secure a place in my soon-to-be company. Though still a bit disappointed, I am sure God will see me through this next leg of my life, and He will take what I view as a dry and malnourished land and cause it to yield a fruitful harvest.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart...and He will me straight your paths.”

Proverbs 3:4-5

RFG always.

Do Your Best and God Will Do the Rest

Since the beginning of the semester, there is one thing mutually feared and by all my classmates this in my university, myself included. It is an entity none of us could firmly grasp, govern by laws we cannot fully understand, and one which devoid from a single definite solution. The dreaded entity is known as the Design of Reinforced Concrete Structures.

The subject is taught by a lecturer who expects us to immediately remember and comprehend what is said, and recall all the related subjects learnt in previous semesters. Add it together and you have the perfect ingredient for what you need to stupefy a student.

The worked examples were…perhaps to better paint a picture, we are given ‘1+1=2’, then ‘If you have 17 apples and you add 6 more to it, you will have 23 apples’. When the assignments came, they were ‘You have a bottle and you bought another triple the number. Calculate the total volume of water for the bottles.’

Using this metaphor: the first equation is direct; the second example was more complicated with a bit of twist; the third, in addition to what was freshly taught required the knowledge of previous subjects, forced us to think out of the box and use our discretion to solve the problem. For the third example you will first need a certain level of English comprehension to understand and meet the requirement of the problem. Then to find the volume of water, we could assume different sizes for each bottle, or different volumes of water containing in the bottles, or we can say we referred to the plastic label on the bottle. Ultimately when it comes down to it, they are all additions.

It came as no surprise then, that nobody in my class managed to complete the entire assignment, except 2 exchange students who had previously taken the course back at their home university. When the first test came, the nightmare was all we had imagined – and more. Even the general assistants (GAs) pointed us to the incorrect interpretation/method of solving a problem. By the time it ended, we were all resigned to the seemingly obvious fact of achieving low marks for the test. Frankly I could say for the majority of the questions I knew peanuts of what I was doing, and second-doubting the ones which I knew.

Needless to say, receiving back our results were like awaiting execution. Yet when I saw the value contained within the red circle, I was honestly surprised in did, well…well. If there is one thing I must say, this incident reminded me – again in the series of many agains – that as long as I put effort in doing my best and lifting it up to the Lord in prayer, the situation cannot go far wrong.

The event also brought to mind a recent story I read from the Bible. In the last chapters of the first book of Samuel 29 to 30, before he was king, when David went with the Achish King of Gath in the war against Israel his own kin, I doubt he knew what he should really do should he meet in battlefield. Sandwiched between the Philistines (his former enemy turned current host and ally) and Israel (who would perceive him a betrayer who joined their enemy’s ranks), it was obviously not the best position to be in.

Yet David trusted God, and in faith he went together with the Philistines. And God in His great wisdom to establish David’s future reign, worked out the pieces for David. At the last moment David withdrew from the battle, saved his people captured by the Amalekites, gained a substantial fortune in the process, used it to strengthen ties with his people in Judah, and Saul the current king of Israel was killed, thus paving the way for David’s kingship.

In life, things will not always be a breeze of the wind, and at times I feel as close to flipping tables. Just take your best shot, pray, trust in the Lord and His timing, and, just as He continuously sees me through the rest of the way, so I pray for living souls who are reading this that you will find your trust in Him.

RFG always.

Step Back and Live a Prayer

Awhile back when I was struggling to cope with my busy start of the semester, I felt keenly something which I am rarely conscious of – I was beginning to despise my nightly devotion. The minimum 1 hour I set aside became more of a mechanical routine – distant and impersonal.

Going through this was like the post-Lenten period all over again. Checking my watch every few minutes to see if I had reached the set time, I began to lose the meaning of this devotion in the first place. If I were to give an analogy it was like sitting in class and waiting impatiently for the bell to go off during the final period. Only, this was not merely an educational lesson, nor was it supposed to be a distant unrelated subject taught by some droning teacher.

While setting a standard and working to meet it can indeed be a good thing, yet forcing yourself under high stress and a foul mood may actually result in a destruction in interest. This would only detract and shut the message God intends to deliver to me.

Back when I initially set myself this benchmark, I originally meant for it to be a time where I could set aside the activities of the day and dedicate the period so that I may increase my relationship with Him, be it through the Word, reflections, prayer, or adoration. Although I did update myself on the time every now and then, I did not particularly kept tabs on how long I went, sometimes going nearly thrice the set standard.

Even now I felt my actions in this similar to the Pharisees in Jesus’ time – only the show I stage was for myself, my own satisfaction. While others may not gaze on the performance, it was a much more subtle act of self-righteousness and gratification, one harder to correct since itself is harder to (consciously) spot. And with that, I gradually began to lose grip on the main intention of centering on God.

The time when I was freshly aware of this, led by the Spirit I decided to go through the day’s readings as I attempted to sort this out. At that time, the words of Sirach 35:1-5; Psalms 50:5-6, 7-8, 14, 23 and Mark 10:28-31 called out from the pages. In fact the first verse in the first reading from Sirach, immediately reached out to me:

“He who keeps the law makes many offerings; he who heeds the commandment sacrifices a peace offering.”

Sharing in God’s life requires an earnest effort to improve of one’s heart and actions, not simply following a “dead” rule. That is the true spirit of the Law, which can be summarised as love God and neighbour (Luke 10:27). Even when it was mentioned to “keep the Sabbath day holy,” (Exodus 20:8) our Lord showed in numerous passages (Luke 6:1-10, 13:10-17, 14:2:-6, etc.) that we are not to compromise showing His love because of our own self-righteous standards.

The following Psalm further reinforced this, and affirmed that true sacrifice comes not from superficial offerings; instead

“Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving…call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.”

(Psalms 50:14-15)

The Gospel concluded it in whole, when Peter said “we have given up everything and followed you.” At that moment, it reminded me that our whole lives – all our activities of eating, sleeping, studying, working, etc. – are to be lifted in prayer. Thus it challenged me to carry my prayers into my daily activities. 

With all that is said however, I still do not intend to compromise my time set aside for prayer/devotion. The conclusions I arrived to were not to provide me a leeway, but so that I may understand and work to overcome the problem.

But there are times where I need to know my human limits, and that it would better to cease rather than accumulating loathing for His word. Thus I should also learn to focus on my work and lift them up as a prayer.

RFG always.

2nd Post-Lenten Reflection

What happens when internet connection is as stable as churning water, assignments come in stacks and test required studying codes and 1819 page textbooks? Answer: A slow post. Thus I apologise to anyone following this blog – not that I believe anyone IS following this blog XD. Note this post was supposed to be early in June XP.

Yes, even until now, I am still on this, since even up till now there are still traces of the aftereffects of what happened post-Lenten.

Stress was one of the reasons why I ended the way I was/am, although it itself played only a part of it – nevertheless a major part.

When I decided to fast, I gave up on quite a number of activities I would normally do during my leisure time. One of it was of course eating. Due to financial circumstances my meals are usually very plain and simple (do not get me wrong, I am grateful for what I have), and one way to compensate that was through a little more quantity during breakfast and dinner. When the 40 day fasting began, I cut down slightly on that end, the occasional munching at an odd hour to keep myself awake and my stomach satisfied (and my mouth busy), as well as my “lunch”.

PC gaming was another thing I put off during this time. While I cannot recall if I stopped it completely, I can say I laid off a substantial amount of time in which otherwise I would have spent clicking away with my mouse and keyboard.

While these may be a minor sacrifice to some, it was quite a trying time for me particularly from the middle of the semester onward, when workloads began mounting so much so that I deemed it necessary to reduce the time for prayer/devotion by half of what I usually did. There were days where I stayed beyond 4 in the morning to finish my assignments/projects, and waking up later after 2 hours of sleep.

Without an effective outlet, my stress continued to build up. Had I sought to look hard enough, it may be that I could have found a feasible alternative against this predicament – but now that I think of it, would that have been considered as fasting then? I guess that would depend on the activity as well as its intensity. Regardless, I was much too lazy to find or integrate other alternatives.

As much though I may reason, argue or justify about how little time I have for relaxation, it was not as though I absolutely has no time for myself. Deprived from games and food, I resorted to wandering aimlessly on the web, idly searching for anything that caught my interest – yet this was a little above pure wasting time and certainly was not a very productive/healthy habit. Oh, and there was the alternative of reading but that can eat up to 3 hours per session, thus something in which I tried to avoid.

In light of this situation, what should I have done? Read the Bible? Be still and meditate? Work out? Truthfully, I see no easy answer to this. I believe one effective method for one may not be so for another. That being said however, one of the more effective solution I found to helped me calm myself was going out for a breather.

Sometimes I believe nature provides a certain soothing quality that cannot be found elsewhere through human means. Substitutions such as food was a far more expensive route that only seemed to satisfy me for the length it takes to finish it, or until  my stomach was finished with it. When I think back, many biblical characters too applied such methods, from meditating under a tree (Judges 4:5), to contemplating in the wilderness (1 Kings 19:39-44) or praying in the garden (Luke 22:39-44). While I will not say this for everyone, I believe the noise of human activities provides a dangerous distraction which may even cause one to come back for more, deviating you from your original intended task for a significantly large period of time. I only need to look at myself to see the numerous times I thought ‘five more minutes’ while playing, or ‘one more chapter’ when reading.

For me a stroll took a different front. While clearing off the mind, it did not pose the temptation of taking excessively long bouts of wandering the grounds. Rather, it allowed me to collect myself to continue the task. To me this is one of nature’s quality God provided for us that is oft taken for granted. God ministers through the environment, it being the first and oldest form of therapy, knowing that people such as I cannot solely draw strength, or rather cannot muster the strength to pray or pick up the Bible mid-stress. In fact, I would applaud those who manage to do such. Often God reveals Himself and speaks to us through the calm as well.

So why had I not applied this? Actually I did but often I am tempted to get something to munch when I leave my room. Usually the moment I buy something I would come back to the room to continue my work but between eating, getting my hands dirty and working does pose a significant interference to progress. I guess that is a fault I must try and overcome.

Whatever the method one must find a way to overcome such times. No matter who we are, one day each of us will inevitably come to a period where it feels as if the whole world is laid upon our shoulders. I found a potential solution to which I will try when such a period comes again. I pray then the Lord would grant me His peace written in John 14:27, as He did in Jesus, His Apostles and the prophets when they went to seek His solace.

RFG always.

Irony

How ironic are men such as I

that they are capable of a worry to death

when those they hold close to heart do not respond for a while

yet when they are found to be safe and sound

anger and derision replaced their feelings

as their relief washes away.

My mum called in the evening today. When I answered, there was no response from the other end, and I promptly dismissed the call after two unreplied salutations and thought no more of it.

After two hours passed, I decided to ring back my mum back on the reason she called. It was past 7.30pm then; usually she comes back earlier, and she mentioned to me last night to cook rice for her and my sister for dinner.

When I could not reach her after a few calls, I started to get worried. After numerous attempted calls, my anxiety increased tenfold and I started praying while restlessly wandering around the house. For one, my area is not exactly safe – I have witnessed/experienced robbery/fights/assaults at least seven times since I moved into my current residence.    

When a red car finally emerged at the front gate near 8pm, I was immensely relieved. Yet I was angry, and only a few minutes passed before I regained my usual (and quite irritable) attitude. Later my mum told me to bring in the laundry then but I objected as it was nearing my prayer time.

When I went up to pray however, I felt uneasy, and the thoughts mentioned in the opening came to mind. Was this how I witness and show my gratitude to God for keeping my mum and sister safe and well all this time? Was this the way I show my love towards my mum? Soon after the verse of Matthew 5:24 floated to mind, I decided to do what my mum asked of me before continuing prayer/devotion.

The saying ‘you’ll never appreciate until they are really gone’ indeed holds true and made me reflect upon my actions. Especially since I am not with my family most of the time these days due to university life away from home, I should strive to make what little time I have when I am back to make it worthwhile. It is something I have a long way to go, and I pray that the Holy Spirit will inspire me to constantly look to the Holy Family as the perfect model in this.

RFG always.

1st Post-Lenten Reflection

Recently I went through the chapter of 1 Samuel 11, as per my Scriptural contemplation. In brief, it narrates the first major accomplishment of Saul, who gathered the people of Israel against the threat of the Ammonites in Jabesh-gilead and subsequently crushed them. This event then led up to his appointment as the first king of Israel.

As I contemplated and recorded my thoughts/views on the passage, a certain phrase caught my attention:

He (Saul) took a yoke of oxen, and cut them into pieces and sent them throughout the territory of Israel by the hand of the messengers, saying, “Whoever does not come out after Saul or Samuel, so shall it be done to his oxen!” (1 Samuel 11:7).

To which I wrote,

‘…he who does not respond actively to this call as a witness will have their own share of grace given by God taken away from them (Luke 19:24).’

While this may not be a direct work of evangelization, it reminded me that no matter how busy I am in life, if I do not make time and consciously choose to ignore others, God will certainly not let that slide.

Examining myself on this year, during the beginning of the semester I was more willing and helpful, and my academic performance was quite satisfactory. The second half however, with the end Lent and fasting I unleashed my over-the-top behaviour and let loose the demons in me. On a particular day, I received back three results, and all three made me want to compress them into a ball and send them to the recycling center.

How can I expect help from God when I refused to help others? And how can I lay blame anyone but myself? Only a few posts back I wrote on how I am to watch myself carefully, being a witness of Christ as others too are watching me. How then will others see me? How then will it project my Catholic faith? Seeing that some have already come to identify me as a “religious” person, this is not something I can easily escape from – and this should not be something we, as Christians try to escape from.

I believe the Lord is steering me back towards the right path, albeit quite harshly, as His witness in spirit and in truth, and to prevent me from steadily sliding backwards. As I recall the prayer I make before tests/exams, I am reminded to strive to reorganise my life, that it may be an acceptable offering to the Lord.

“But most of all O Lord, no matter what happens, that I will lift it all up to you.”

RFG always.

Post-Lenten Review

Ever since Lent passed, contrary of its purpose to emerge as a better/stronger person, I have been taking a huge step backwards – physically, morally and even spiritually. It was like as though all the urges held back during the 40 day period came rushing out like a burst dam.

On the first day of Easter, I have been eating non-stop after coming back from Mass – from cendol to kuih to chocolates all the way to dinner and after dinner more junk food all the way until I fell back to bed. This continued the next day, as though my stomach is making up for what it potentially would have taken, although it was far more likely I would not have taken them on ordinary days prior to Lent.

Since then I noticed too I became more self-centered, responding more to situations that suited my purpose while almost to the point of ignoring others whom I deem will not benefit me. Quite a number of times I brushed aside those who are in need of my help – whether they asked or no –, became ruder and curt in answering, and concentrated more on my work solely for my own benefit.

In terms of spiritual growth… it is said that this aspect corresponds accordingly to one’s physical and moral states, and it is no exception this time around. I began to compromise bit by bit on the time set aside for prayer and Scripture reading, and while prayer may not have occurred less often, the quality experienced a drastic drop, as my mind often is preoccupied with idle thoughts and issues which I brought upon myself (eg: sleeping late and praying faster to in compensation).

As of today, the after-effects still can be observed even this far in to the Easter season. There can only be one conclusion: it is seriously time for me to pause and reflect all that happened during the 40 days of Lent which led up to this mess.